In a surge of ultimate socio-patheticness (sic), I decided that I would let go of all my friends in exchange for new friends. Bros, chums, pals, distant buddies, acquaintances, et al. Now, there’s nothing wrong with my current set of friends, but to paraphrase a classic break-up line, “it’s not them, it’s me”. Yes, I have outgrown them with my unique blend of awesomeness and intellect. Actually, to be completely honest, I decided to hold on to the acquaintances for a bit longer, in case any of them could be a channel to some new friends. But, as I realized very soon, I need bros. Every guy does. Just one or two will do, but I need them. And now that I’ve shed off my ex-bros, I am on the look out for new ones. It’s not anywhere near as easy as it sounds when you’re past thirty.
I visit the pub nearby. I’m fishing, you know, for a dude who I can make my
bride bro. I spot him from the corner of my eye as the bartender fulfills my request for “another Stella”. He’s just pushed the lemon wedge down the neck of his Corona. Damn it, should’ve ordered a Corona too! What do I do? Do I just make the crowded walk up to him, act aloof, catch his eye and say “Hey”? No, that’s creepy. How about a youthful “‘Sup?”. I don’t know, this could get weird. How do I keep this purely bro-like? What if I ask him something like “Hey, dude. Wanna shoot some pool? I hold a mean cue”. I hold a mean CUE??? What the fuck am I on about? But, let’s say it does work and he’s like “You’re on, man. Let’s play”. What then? What if he plays Winner Stays? I’m toast then, aren’t I, because I suck at pool. I’ll start him off, but I’m not getting his number tonight.
Hang on, I can use my acquaintances to set me up with someone, can’t I? That’s not weird. It’s pathetic, though. I mean, it’s bad enough being past the three-o and asking your friends to hook you up with a date, but asking them to hook you up with a bro to share purely hetero dude-ventures with is way below. Say they even do it. Say someone says “Hey man, you should meet my friend Zohair – he’s about your height and has a wacky sense of humor. You guys would totally hit it off”. Alright, I say, arrange a meeting, but make it seem by chance… you know, because I don’t want to seem needy. I can ask these common friends to host a party, where the meeting can be set up. They never will, but we’re in hypothetic-land at the moment, so the party’s on. Agreed, the initial meet up will be a little less awkward than the pub scene, but how do I take it from there? What if he’s not looking for something serious at the moment? My
acquaintances friends tell me he is. Cool. Now what? Do I make the first move? And what if we do plan on taking it further, i.e. meeting up sometime after the party, like another day? Do I pick him up? Do I meet him at a restaurant? A bar? Yes, a bar! On the night of a football match, that’s not gay. But, what if my team scores? What’s an appropriate celebration between two would-be bros? I can’t hug him, it’s too soon for that. High fives are only cool amongst the guys when you actually do the scoring yourself. Fist pumps – too contrived. A smile will do, but a quick one, nothing too unsettling.
There should be a Facebook setting to list myself as “Looking for non-homo male relationship”. Why stop at that? There should be a social network for guys looking for other guys to hang out with. Why are we so afraid of being branded as something else? So what? I’m a guy and I need guys in a hetero way to go swimming with. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean to hang out with. A place where potential wing-men meet. Okay, so I’ve always dissed couples that met online, and to be honest, meeting bros online would be, in my book, über gay. But then, who am I to decide? I’ll go on to tell the story of how I met my new bro – I checked out his profile on Cockbook, where, under hobbies and interests he had listed “doing dude-like things like drinking beer and spanking each others bottoms as a goodwill gesture”, and I knew he was the one.
It can’t be that hard to find new guy friends, can it? Why does looking for new bros have to seem like the extreme edges of homo-eroticism? Do you know where that leaves me? It means I have to stick to my current group of friends. Considering I’ve shelved them already, that’s a lot of (figurative) cock-sucking I’ll have to do to win them back, you know.